An Alcoholic's Journey to Sobriety - A Story of Triumph Over Addiction

I stopped taking the medication on December 31, 2005, and haven't experienced an overwhelming urge to drink since then. Of course, there are moments when I think it would be nice to have a beer or a stiff bourbon and Coke, but these are just fleeting thoughts. When such thoughts arise, I remember the damage alcohol caused and how it would quickly regain control if I let it. Instead, I opt for a can of sparkling water, which is always available in our refrigerator. Drinking or the lack thereof no longer defines my life. Since we remarried, we have consistently had beer, wine, and liquor in our home, but none of it tempts me. Occasionally, my wife enjoys a glass of wine or a margarita, and I'm glad she can do so without any issues, as she doesn't have an alcohol problem.

I am incredibly proud to have earned my family's trust. They know that I don't live my life one day at a time, and not drinking has become a non-issue. I am genuinely happy without alcohol, and my wife is as confident in this as I am.

Will I remain alcohol-free for the rest of my life? I can't make any promises. My biggest fear is that I might accidentally pick up a drink or unknowingly consume alcohol in food, like rum cake. Would that trigger something? I don't know; it's not something I give much thought to- ever. I honestly don't think about drinking on an hour to hour or even an occasional basis anymore.

Having gone from it being the first thing I'd think about in the morning (do I have enough left in the bottle to get me through the day?) to the last thing at night (don't leave the half-empty glass out where one of the kids might accidentally pick it up and drink from it); not thinking about it at all...is total freedom. And, truly a miracle.

I know what you're going through
I can honestly say that I have walked in your shoes. I understand what you're going through and the thoughts running through your head. Let's discuss a few of them...

Fear
Like the dread in the pit of your stomach when you realize you're running low on alcohol and it's not even noon yet. Or what the liquor store clerk is thinking when you show up, yet again, to buy another bottle of booze this week. Or the anxiety about whether today is the day you'll be pulled over or get into an accident. Who will you call from jail? Your spouse? Your Dad?

Regret
There's also the constant guilt you carry, and the feeling that your life would be so much better without this unrelenting problem. You're overwhelmed and hopeless, unsure of where to turn. On top of that, your worrying consumes so much time that you struggle to remember important details. And let's face it - your friendships have changed as well.

Shame
And then there are those times when you drank too much; you and your spouse argued over it the following morning. You'd cry, promise to do better; both of you would be upset for a while; then things would more or less return to normal. But, both of you know that eventually it's going to happen again.

Trepidation
Day after day, you keep telling yourself that you'll address the problem tomorrow, but deep down, you know one more day won't make a difference. Tomorrow is never going to come…

Determination
Here's the thing, though - you can turn your life around. You can break the cycle and live a life free from addiction. I won't sugarcoat it. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. Likely, the hardest thing you'll ever do. But, I promise you, in the end, it will be worth it.

I know you can - I've been there.

Would I throw away how far I'd come and return to where I'd been? I had a week to myself - nobody but me would ever know.

No. No, I would not. I purposely walked past the package store with the flashing neon beer signs across the street and kept walking until I came to a park along the Animas River - the water glistening like diamonds in the mid-afternoon sun. I did this for me...

As it turned out, my time in Durango, the run-down motel, and the Durango and Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad became my salvation. I spent the rest of that afternoon and evening wandering the streets of Durango, simply enjoying my own company. I felt grateful for deciding to remain sober that afternoon and just grateful to be.

The next day, I rode the train to Silverton and back. Ironically, my open-air car was filled with Harley Davidson bikers who were drinking throughout the journey. They generously offered me their flasks at the beginning of the trip, and I explained the path I was on. I wasn't sure how they would react, but they completely respected my efforts to get my life in order, and no further mention was made of my sobriety (though they continued to drink). When we arrived in Silverton, they invited me to hang out with them, which I did. As we left the train station later that afternoon, one of the bikers removed the Durango baseball cap he'd bought that morning and placed it on my head, saying, "I'm glad our paths crossed - stay true to yours, and I hope the second half of your life is a blessed one." Then he and his wife, both Harley Davidson riders with tears in their eyes, gave me a hug.

That evening, I spent my second night in the same shabby motel room (wearing the baseball cap) before continuing my journey the following morning.

So, where do you start? Having been down this road myself, I would suggest your primary care physician. Book a double appointment and then ask if you can chat with him/her in their office (not in a cold, sterile exam room). And when you're talking, be honest about how much you're drinking, when you're drinking, and how it's affecting you. It's okay to cry - let those emotions out.

Abstinence recovery
Ask about mediations that might help you quit. There are a few different ones that might help. I tried one called Antabuse, which blocks the ability to drink. It worked as advertised, but damn….I was one helluva mad, angry asshole while taking it (and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm about as kind and laid-back as anyone you're liable to ever meet). Mad and angry didn't do it justice; I was like a caged and raging tiger, being prodded by kids. So, why the personality change? Because it didn't help me stop drinking - it simply stopped me from drinking. Big difference.

Holistic recovery
There are at least two other medications, though, that have been proven to help reduce the desire to drink. As I am not a doctor, I won't mention them by name (you can Google them, or just ask your physician). My understanding is that you can actually have a drink or two while taking the medication without dire consequences (unlike Antabuse), but the hope is that by reducing the desire (or effects of alcohol), you will be far less likely to pick up the bottle in the first place.

The medication that I took from May through December allowed me to resist the cravings for hours, then days, then weeks, and eventually months. Don't get me wrong, there were definitely times when I really, really wanted a drink, even while on the medication. But unlike before, I was able to push off those cravings until they passed. As I mentioned in my letter to my friend, I quit taking the medication on December 31, 2005 (so, approximately seven months on it); but I kept a month's-worth on-hand for all of 2006, just in case I needed it again. I didn't.

Alcoholics Anonymous
As mentioned, I attended 90 AA meetings in 90 days, just as I promised my physician and therapist I would. I kept a calendar to ensure that I would uphold my end of the bargain (it was actually part of my therapy). AA is not for everyone, but, if you're struggling, I encourage you to search out a meeting and see if it makes sense for you. It is totally free, nobody will judge you, and people from all walks of life will likely be at the meeting. At the meetings I attended, it was not uncommon to have doctors and lawyers who arrived in their Porsches sharing stories with folks who were lucky to have a roof over their head that evening. Everyone was on a first-name basis; and everyone was on equal footing; we all had one goal- to stay sober for another day.

AA and Medication Conflict
I also want to mention something about medications and Alcoholics Anonymous. My biggest complaint about AA was the pushback I received from just about everyone regarding being on a medication. Pushback is putting it lightly; contempt, disdain, ridicule, and, in some cases, mockery would be better descriptions. The more meetings I went to, the more I realized I maybe no longer needed to be there. Why? Because I was able to stave off the cravings on my own. When I would bring this up during meetings, and I'd try and explain my reasoning, the other members would often rise up and almost 'gang up' on me; they were mad that I was 'replacing one drug with another drug.' OMG - REALLY, PEOPLE?! The whole idea here is that I am weening myself of one drug (alcohol) with another drug that I will then be able to walk away from a few months down the road. And, that is exactly what I did.

Lastly, as mentioned, I found several AA groups that I liked, two in Georgia, one in Arizona. On my fifth sober anniversary, I went back to one of the groups in the foothills of north Georgia and received my 5 year chip. While the group was thrilled to present it to me and they listened in silence to my story, I still felt like many were wondering why I needed a 'crutch' to quit drinking. I left the meeting and haven't been back to once since (I do, however, still have my 5 year chip and pull it out from time to time)…

On one hand, I was happy that so many people were in attendance; that meant a) they weren't drinking, and; b) I had a chance to present my views…maybe one or two were moved enough to look into the possibility of asking their doctor about combining the wonders of a medication with the support of AA. On the other hand, I recognized so many familiar faces; how sad that five years on, they were still struggling daily to keep from drinking; still finding it necessary to meet with like-minded people in order to keep from picking up a bottle.

Therapy
I was 49 years old when I received my 5 year chip. As mentioned, between the ages of 42 and 44, there were periods where I was incommunicado. During these years, I was, with very good reason, scared for my life. I had tried everything I could think of to help me quit drinking; if anything, it had only gotten worse. I was, without a doubt, lucky to still be alive. And, then…I tried one more therapist. I had already tried two (or was it three?) without success. I had walked away poorer (as if that mattered anymore), but they had done nothing to curb my appetite for drinking.

So…why did I try yet another one?
Basically, because I had run out of options. Not only were my parents threatening to 'evict' me, but in reality, I didn't really want to die. I still held onto a tiny shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get better. So…I mustered up the courage to call the therapist Mom and her friend recommended; a few days later, my parents drove me to Roswell for my first session. I liked her from the instant we met; older, with a bit of mystique about her. She explained that although she didn't have a background in substance abuse, she recognized I was in desperate need of help. If I was willing to meet her halfway, there was hope. No illusions - it was not going to be easy.

And, so began an adjures journey back to sobriety.
Peggy put a lot of work into my recovery; for that I am eternally grateful. I don't doubt for a second that I'm alive today in part due to her kind, compassionate, yet very firm, work with me. I was several months into therapy (maybe a year? - that period of my life is a blur) before the medication she stumbled upon was released in the United States. But, even before that momentous occasion, she had, for the first time, instilled real hope back into me. Although still drinking (and, all too often, way, way too much), for the first time in years, I could at least envision a life without alcohol. There were stretches where I was sober for weeks on end while in therapy.

What worked for me…
Now, at the age of sixty, I've hardly given alcohol a second thought in many years. Heck, as mentioned, we've had beer, wine and liquor in our home the entire time; not once have I been remotely close or tempted to drink a drop of it. Most of that credit, I suppose, goes to the hard work I put into it.

But, I also credit my work with a combination of my therapist, my primary care physician, AA, and a miracle drug that helped stave off the cravings.

Lucky?
Am I lucky? Oh hell yes. I'm not only married to the most wonderful person imaginable, but I've rebuilt my life. I am close to my children and grandchildren, I have a good career, a beautiful home, and a purposeful life. None of this would have been possible had I not stopped drinking. I thank God daily for my many blessings.

You, too, deserve to be so fortunate
You, too, deserve an extraordinary life, free from the shackles of addiction. Please pick up the phone and call your primary care physician, search out a compassionate therapist today, or connect with Alcoholics Anonymous.

Someday, I'm going to get back to Durango, the very place where I realized that I not only could, but would, live the rest of my life without drinking. I'll be wearing the baseball cap the biker gave me (yes, I still treasure it). Sitting on the bank of the Animas River as the train slowly slid by - it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. And, I will take my wife along. Naturally, she couldn't possibly understand what an incredibly moving experience it was for me, but she can imagine.

Thankfully, I clung to a thread of hope. With strong resolve, embracing good fortune when it appeared, and, looking back, a wife who demonstrated immense courage and strength, I overcame my "best friend" and "sworn enemy." I turned my life around. I remarried the love of my life (30+ years and counting!), reconnected with my children, and have been working for the same company for over 15 years (yes, the same one that sent me to Phoenix week after week all those years ago). Like everyone, I've experienced ups and downs, including the loss of both parents. And through it all, I've lived happily without a drop of alcohol.

You can do it, too.

There is a path forward. I've walked it. It's daunting, terrifying, and seemingly impossible.

But once you start down the path, you'll find it's entirely possible - and incredibly life-changing... and you won't have to change who you are.

Much love, always,

David

Thank you for reading my journey. If you found it compelling and you know someone who is struggling with addiction, please consider passing my story along to him/her.

And, don't lose hope.

DON'T EVER LOSE HOPE.

I truly hope you have a blessed life. And, one with a lot of incredulation in it.

I'm a real person; if you want to reach out to me, I promise I will write back. And, I will keep whatever you write to me in the strictest confidence.